It only happens from time to time, but today is one of those times – A bad day, when I feel like curling up in bed and waiting for tomorrow, even though the sun is shining outside.
It doesn’t help that it’s nearly that time of month again, as that makes everything worse inluding pain, moods and fatigue. And today my pain is definitely worse, although nothing has changed to cause this; joints are generally aching, my left shoulder and elbow are sore, stiff and swollen to the point where moving them is a no-no; my mouth and tongue are rife with ulcers and then the Hidradenitis / Pilonidal problem seems to be flaring too, with a third site developing very similar to the one I’m having surgery on.
Which brings me to the second cause for feeling low. I’d been feeling pretty okay about this surgery until a couple of days ago, when it suddenly hit me what it was I’d be going through – it isn’t a major operation but it is in a delicate area, so it will be a ‘leave your dignity on the doorstep’ situation. Obviously, I’m worried about the fact that it is probably going to hurt too, even though it should mean less pain in the longterm. Mainly though, I’m worried about complications. Things never seem to be straight forward for me; but I hope to God that this time they are, because I don’t want anything to get in the way of enjoying our New York trip.
For some reason, the fact that I have to be dropped off and can’t even be accompanied to the ward bothers me more than it has in the past too. I’ve had surgeries before and the procedure has always been the same, but it didn’t seem to bother me then – so why now? Maybe because it is a different hospital to the one I’m used to? I didn’t have the best of experiences last time I was treated ‘elsewhere’ after all. Maybe I’m just feeling a bit more fragile than usual too; whatever the reason, I hope I get over it by Friday.
Anyway, I’m going to try what I usually do when I feel down and that’s wallow in it for a few hours and then snap myself out of it; I’ll lie in the sun for a bit, paint my nails, listen to some music, watch a girly film, eat some chocolate… – anything to perk myself up – and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.