My line manager phoned me earlier. She said that it had been overlooked that the headteacher had requested an appointment with me for tomorrow – for my Stage 2 Capability hearing. Since I hadn’t been informed, I wasn’t prepared; plus the HR representative said that I would need another assessment by occupational health beforehand, (just to make sure I’m not pulling a fast one). The end result being that there is no meeting tomorrow but it is in the pipeline.
She also asked how I was doing and so I told her that things still aren’t great and that the new medication hasn’t been effective as yet. I’ve no idea what she makes of it all, but I feel so frustrated to be saying the same things over and over to them, guilty almost, as if I should be giving them better news. It must be difficult for them to get their heads around an illness that the doctors can’t immediately treat successfully, to understand that it is a process of trial and error that can take a huge amount of time.
Sometimes, I wish I could tell them how frustrating it is for me to have to go through it, that I’m not just sat at home enjoying the break, but am in pain every day and so very limited in the things that I can do. I know there will be people questioning it; in over six months, nobody other than my line manager and the headteacher has been in touch; my supposed work ‘mates’ have all but forgotten me, annoyed at the fact that I haven’t returned sooner.
At the last hearing, things had seemed promising and I was looking forward to starting the Orencia with the hope of returning to work in mid-September / October. All those weeks have past and still no improvement; instead, it’s likely that I’m facing another wait to decide on a new approach, apply for treatment funding, and further uncertainty surrounding the effectiveness of whatever approach we choose.
I didn’t ask for any of this, nor can I change it. I approached Orencia with an open mind, feeling positive; I have followed every instruction from my consultant, even those that I wasn’t keen on. Yet I feel I am in the wrong, that I am being judged negatively – these are disciplinary hearings after all.
I’m almost hoping that they do give up on me and end my contract, just so that I don’t have this niggling guilt in the back of my mind. I know that I’ll bounce back and find something else once we do get it right.