Today, I do not feel strong, or optimistic or able to cope with anything life throws at me. I feel weak and vulnerable and sad for the things I’m not or can not do.
Nothing has changed physically; I’m in no more pain than I was yesterday, I haven’t had bad news or an experience that brought these things to light. I literally woke up feeling this way, like everything was too much to bear today. I do have an idea of what’s causing it, since it only ever happens at this time of the month and it’s good to know that there’s a reason. But it doesn’t make these thoughts and feelings any less real or unpleasant.
I lay down and had a good long cry earlier on, for everything and nothing all at once. I didn’t try and hold it in, I just let myself cry for it all: for the child that had to grow up different, for all the pain and tests and hospitals and doctors and medication that ‘nobody’ else has had to put up with, for having to consider the Still’s in every decision I make, for not always being able to make the decisions I want, to do the things that I want to do, or to be the person I want to be; for feeling left behind as others progress with their careers or families, for feeling trapped by all of this and more and wondering if I’ll be caught in this cycle for the rest of my life…
I felt better afterwards; it was cleansing – as if a huge pressure had disappeared from my chest, one that I hadn’t even realised was there. That’s why I know it is important to let yourself feel these things when they surface and to work through them, because if you don’t, if you try to block them out and push them to the back of your mind, that pressure will build up until it’s unbearable.
I know that I won’t feel this way for long, that I don’t really believe that nobody else has to put up with the things I do; or that things are so hopeless and full of doom and gloom. But it’s as if only considering the lowest possible point makes it possible to realise all that. Maybe sometimes, you have to feel a bit sorry for yourself, to be able to give yourself the comfort you need.
And in the end, the comfort I needed was a cup of tea (with a few drops of rescue remedy), a cosy dressing gown, hot water bottle and a nice long nap. I woke up feeling so much better for it all, it was almost as if it never happened.
So my advice, when things just feel too much…
Don’t try and ignore it and muddle through. Give yourself a break and some time to yourself to acknowledge how you feel and face those demons; and hopefully, in facing them, you’ll realise that they aren’t as scary as they first appeared.