The one and only thing that has really troubled me over the past few months is work.
I hate having the guilt of not being there, or being able to give them an idea of when I’ll be fit enough to return, niggling away in the back of my mind constantly. Or the stress of Occupational Health Assessments and Capability Hearings, during which I feel like I have to defend myself and my illness, to convince others that I am as unwell as I am (but you look so well!) and try and make people understand that illness isn’t always something that you recover fully from and that chronic illness is lifelong and comes in different shades.
I know for example, that there will have been some that begrudged me going to New York when I was supposedly too ill to work; despite the fact I had to be dosed up on steroids to get through it. They don’t see how difficult it is to get out of bed some days, or how long it takes to make myself look and feel presentable to the outside world. When they ask how I am, I struggle for an answer, wondering what judgement will be made from it.
When I was well, I was good at my job and was progressing quite fast. I felt respected by those higher up and proud that they trusted me with responsibilities above and beyond my position. Now, I feel like I’ve fallen to the bottom of the pile and have lost that respect. Even if I return, I feel like that my health issues will always hang around me like a shadow. I know that it isn’t ethical, but it does happen; I’ve been privy to it myself.
Anyway, the point I’m getting to is that I have a Stage 2 Capability Hearing with my employer and a Human Resources rep tomorrow. I have no idea what is going to happen, what they want to do about the situation or even what I want to happen about it; all I know is that I feel stressed by it all and am dreading it. I feel like I should be doing something to prepare myself, but what? I’ll just have to take it as it comes I guess.
I will be glad when tomorrow is over though.