Christmas has always been my favourite time of year but, as it’s also a time of reflection, it comes with its difficulties too this year – one of which being that not much has changed this past year and so I increasingly feel stuck in a rut.
This time last year, I was struggling through work and spending most of my spare time sleeping in order to recover. The systemic symptoms started to show through more and more – fevers, rash, lack of appetite, chest pain, confusion and lethargy. I was admitted to hospital on the 16th December – 23rd December and then again at the end of January and we’ve been trying different medications to get me back on track ever since: Cellcept (Mycophenolate Motefil), Imuran (Azathioprine), back to Cyclosporin and Enbrel, then Methotrexate and Abatacept (Orencia) and now Tocilizumab (RoActemra) and Methotrexate.
Needless to say I haven’t been to work; in fact it has been difficult to do anything. One whole year of not really achieving anything, of watching everyone else carry on with their lives and just waiting to get something akin to normality back. On a day to day basis it doesn’t seem so bad – you have little choice when you wake up unable to move, or with no energy to get much done; instead, you just do what you can. But looking back on a whole year, well that makes things seem quite scary.
If I think about things too much, I start to panic. I have an idea of what I want in life but suddenly it seems like there is a vast space between myself and my goals or desires. This ‘space’ has been there before and fortunately, it shrank to an achievable scale for the years when I was relatively well – things seemed possible again – but the past year has opened it up again and I feel stuck in the huge rut.
I try and console myself that everyone goes through something similar; for all sorts of reasons, people’s lives don’t live up to their expectations or go astray. I guess there just seems to be no end to this in sight for now, but it will come.