Most people get ‘Monday Blues’ on a Monday morning because it is time to go back to work, after two days off doing whatever they please. The working week seems too long and the relaxing weekends too short; surely, a whole year of nothing but time to yourself, with no work to go to, must be heaven – right?
If anything, I’m getting the Monday morning blues waking up to an empty house, knowing everyone else is at work, doing something constructive, making a contribution, while I’m left for another day doing…
Well I’m not sure, what is it I do that makes time pass so quickly?
I’m increasingly stricken with panic as the weeks fly by and I appear to be doing nothing with my life. One person reassured me that I am here and breathing and healing and will get to where I need to be eventually; that, relatively speaking, this is but a small fraction of time. I can see the sense in that but I still find it hard to relax into the here and now.
Of course I know I’m not well enough at the moment to return to work and I’ve had plenty of people tell me that my priority should be to get myself fit and healthy once again; but it is hard sitting at home, feeling as though life is passing you by. Especially when I know that I’m capable of so much more.
There is nothing wrong with my brain, in fact it works quite well. Despite missing a whole year of school during my GCSEs, I managed to be a straight A student and teachers hoped I’d become a vet or a doctor; but, I spent so much time in hospital over the next few years that such careers soon became just a dream.
Instead, I turned to my passion for reading and studied English Literature. Again, I was a first class student and quickly gained the attention of tutors, who hoped I’d carry on to become an academic and lecturer in the department. I started the MA but suddenly had a change of heart when I realised I would be spending my life arguing about ‘possibilities’ – I mean who cared if Shakespeare’s Sonnets suggested he might have been a homosexual Catholic, there was no way of knowing for sure and who would benefit from knowing anyway?
So I got myself a job working in the library of a Special Educational Needs school, helping with literacy and providing out of school activities and support for parents. I enjoyed the work and this is the job that is still (so far) waiting for me, but again I’m feeling a restless need to do something more challenging and worthwhile with my life; yet, something I can manage with the Still’s. Once I’m over this flare of course.
I quite often feel like this during a major flare and, in the past, have always used them as a fresh start; only this time, I don’t know where to begin.
While we’re on the subject of work, after a tough few years, one fellow Still’s sufferer, Kate Dowding, has achieved her lifelong dream of working in law and was recently featured on the BBC programme, Saints and Scroungers, which addresses the problem of benefit fraud v benefit support. Obviously, Kate was the Saint and you can still catch her (and her assistance dog, Zara) on BBC iPlayer, using the following link:
Saints and Scroungers, featuring Still’s sufferer Kate.
Inspiration for us all,
Edit: Just found this post, which I guess is related – Feeling Stuck in a Rut